Alter Ego

I’m sure it’s true that people try to assume an entirely different persona when creating a character for social games.  I have an alter ego called Captain Schnoodle that exists in a parallel world that is called Toontown. In this made believe town of toons, Captain is exactly how I am, or how I feel about myself.  There are always stronger and thus more popular toons that are jumping all around him, passing him by, not giving him the time of day.  He doesn’t reach out to ask other toons to be friends, and worse, cannot get to ask other Toons to help him.  He is physically not well coordinated, lacks agility and therefore have a hard time scoring jellybeans on trolley games which is the basic of the basics to score for gags.  In the few times that he got into the Sellbot Factory, he’s usually disoriented, don’t know where he is going, cannot jump accurately and goes sad (equivalent of death) a lot of times.  Most of the time, he works in solitude towards his task, and during the process tries to help other toons in need and rarely gets thanked.  He does try hard to acquire skills, but likes to do it in his own pace, which is probably so much slower than the others.  Running around different streets in different part of town, he feels inadequate most of the time.

In short, it’s how I feel all the time.

Ordinariness is Luminous

December is running and running.  Read the other day — Ordinariness is Luminous.  And it really is that ordinariness that is hard to come by.   Moving forward with the running month is not that difficult.  The day to day makes it necessary to move – forward.  It’s the feeling of leaving something behind, that makes this month a bit melancholic.

Maundering

Weekends are made for maundering.   In my case, the actual recipient of rambling is just Renzei, my dog, but there are lot of noises going on in my mind as well.  The chatters goes by and comes back in astonishing speed.  Most of them are probably inconsequential stuff, so I rather it come and go.  But unfortunately, some just linger on, although you want them to move on by, quickly.

To stay within theme, I’m going to digress and jump from one issue to another.  What’s maundering if you made sense ?  I’m afraid that’s how my mind is working right now.  Disorganized and with lack of any logic.

Going through metamorphosis of some sort, both physically and emotionally.  No, of course I’m not going through puberty, I’m way-WAY past that, but I’m moving around so much literally, that I’m losing track of where things are.  I cannot find so many things.   Some if not all are things dear to me.  Some have high sticker value.  But I don’t even know where to start looking.  Jewelry.  Sunglasses.  Books.  Jackets.  Pants,  Pictures.  House ware. Objet’….   Not being able to find these things make me feel I’m in impasse and can’t move.  But perhaps all I need to do is just detach myself (which I’m actually quite good at doing, most of the time) and reacquire.  Or make the decision that most are just plain not needed in my life.

I still hate it that I feel things are spinning out of control.  I just don’t feel I have my feet on the ground.  Looking at the picture of Renzei at the dog beach.  He looks so free and happy.  Envious that he can be and glad that I can at least make someone that happy.

Smallest of Joy

Went to the Farmers Market.  Went to the No Leash Dog Beach.   Made some mochi with red bean.  Someone added me as a friend on Facebook.  Started a book.  Downloaded some music.  Got a new phone (wait, strike this from joy file). Cut some plants from the yard.  Found some small vases bought for the occasion, oh not so long ago, yet stashed away forgotten.  This time they can be displayed on a timely manner.

Small joys.  Hoping they accumulate to happiness.

Hands

Early morning today, when I was dozing off, I had a dream.  The dream was about hands holding.  There was no particular plotline.  I just remember the warmth of the hands, so I assume one of the hands were mine.  I woke up and was disappointed that it was just a dream.

The Running Month

December in Japan is called the month that runs.  It feels that way.  Blink, and it’s over.  Just realizing I’m seeing probably the last snow of the year.  I wonder how I’ll look back at 2008 in the future.  Right now, it’s a year that I definitely will not want to revisit.  At this very moment, it’s been a year of betrayal, trepidation, anger and pain.  But then, I know that the feeling of the moment overshadows the achievement, the gentleness, the effort, the hope and the gratitudes felt.  Perhaps as time passes, the positive will be more celebrated when I look back at 2008.  I hope and I hope.

Need to run with the month.  Hard to keep up, since not in great shape.

Rebuilding

Holiday season prompts some thoughts about rituals.  It’s Thanksgiving today and I’m thinking about the rituals of the past.  I actually liked Thanksgivings and X’mas, probably for the wrong reasons.  Yet, now, looking out the windows, pondering what kind of non-ritualistic food (too late for brining, stuffing and all the trimmings) I should cook, I do miss the hoopla of preparing for the ritual.

I’m trying to rebuild something.  Rebuilding some familiarity.  That can come in all sorts of shapes and forms.  Holiday cooking is one.  Making a pot of tea in a familiar tea pot and drinking it in a familiar cup is one too.  Listening to a familiar radio station on familiar stereo system is also one.  Cutting flowers from the yard and putting it in a familiar vase is another.  Cooking with familar cookery, using used to spices and serving it on accustomed dinnerware, also brings certain routine.

I’m trying, but everything still seems so transitory.  Is it just a state of mind ?  A lot of times, I feel rather than rebuilding, perhaps I should build everything from scratch.  Nothing to re-utilize, nothing to re-familiarize oneself with.  But that almost requires explosion of epic level.  Blow up everything so I’m forced to re-think.  Nothing to regret, no choices to make.  Have to move on.

But then, I can’t just walk away from the familiar things.  So here I am trying to rebuild something.  What, I still do not know.

It’s Thanksgiving.  Pot of curry.  Dish of Oden.  White rice.   Some greens.  And mixing up some dog food.  I’m trying to rebuild, but maybe not today.

Exquisite Pain

Days go by.  I wake up sad. I go to bed sad.  But in a very strange way, it makes me even sadder that one day, perhaps soon enough, it will go away.  And I won’t feel what I feel now.  That all of this, what seems like an exquiste pain, will not matter anymore.  Not sure why, but the thought of that day coming, saddens me even more.

Death

Couldn’t think of a less morbid title about this subject.  Because it’s what it is – Death. After a series of celebration that was all about festivities and all that are bright and shiny.  Amidst days filled with happiness and love and friendship and family, I was also forced to think about death.   For some reason, I’m hearing about death and loss a lot recently.  It was prompted by death experienced by parents of their children.  Just in a short period of time, I heard about one life taken away brutally, with the culprit never found and the other deciding to take her own life. I cannot imagine the unspeakable grief experienced by the parents and don’t even think I can attempt to understand.

Which made me think, life is so short and there are so many things that can happen to make our lives unbearable.  So many things are so uncontrollable in life.  Yet, we still try to make our lives miserable. Why ?

Losss

Long time ago, there were some loss that I experienced.  The reality is, those loss turned out to be  fortunate for me. I had gains that followed that could not have happened, if those loss did not take place. The turn of events in the long run became favorable to me.  Looking back, if I gained then, the loss I would have experienced following would have brought a whole another set of agony that would have shaped my destiny in a whole different way.    I do count my blessing, that someone was looking after me and made things go the right way, by way of me experiencing those loss’ then.   Yet, as I experience another painful loss, I cannot but think: that although the loss in the past turned out to be a fortunate thing for me, nothing can heal the pain and the distress I felt then.  And the trauma that lingered on.

I know things will turn out to be ok.  Perhaps even better.  I might count my blessing again, thinking “Thank goodness things turned out the way it did.”   Yet it still hurts so badly. And I know it will never go away.  It might not be as excruciating as it is now.  But it will always linger on, becoming a part of me that will never go away.